noteful | Southern Sudan, Fall 2008

It's a pretty simple room -- bed in one corner, dresser in another, desk in the third and door to the hall in the fourth.

The bed is neatly made. There are toiletries arranged on one side of the dresser; the other side holds a row of paperbacks, spines lined up, flush and precise, between plain metal bookends. The middle of the dresser holds a carved wooden box.

The there's a laptop on the desk, speaker for an MP3 player, and a picture frame with two pictures -- a man, about forty, with brown hair and eyes and (improbably) a handlebar moustache. And a boy, nine or ten, with reddish brown hair and his mother's smile.

The only thing on the wall is a bulletin board, above the desk. It holds a few other photographs, a postcard view of Montreal, three to do lists, and slightly cryptic advice, You cannot worry about every sparrow.

Dr. Meghan Marriner has called this room home for almost a month now.

She's entering notes into the laptop, back to the closed door, Beethoven (the violin concerto) playing on the speakers.

It's been a long, long day.

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Castiel has to think. What is reasonable for a human is not what is reasonable for an angel.

Humans, with their complete free will, tend to require more in the way of answers.

"Some of the information, I simply do not have myself."

"Other times when I try to answer, he is dissatisfied with what I say."

"I told him the simple truth when I first met him 'in person' as it were. That God commanded that he be saved, and that He had work for him to do. He did not like that answer. I believe he still does not."

" . . . that's kind of a terrifying answer."

Castiel frowns.

"It is the truth."

Which can be a great and terrible thing. But Castiel could not have lied about it.

"Which probably only makes it more intimidating," Meg says.

"History . . . people who profess to be selected by God for work, and whether they truly is hardly my place to judge, but regardless . . . it's an awesome responsiblity, and they're the people history remembers as martyrs.

"If this person, whoever he is, isn't an idiot, he's aware of both those things.

"And that's a lot to ask of anyone. So perhaps his wanting slight more detailed answers isn't . . ."

Meg trails off and shrugs.

Castiel ponders.

"He is not a stranger to things that many humans would have a hard time believing in," he attempts to explain. "He has hunted and fought evil in a multitude of forms since he was a child."

"It is more that he does not believe that good things can happen to him. That he did not deserve to be saved. That he is not worthy of the responsibility."

Dean had not said any of those things to him directly. At least not out loud. But Castiel had managed to read it fairly easily.

"And Sarah laughed, when told something good would happen to her. Zacharias didn't believe the angel who spoke to him, either. Mary talked about her low estate, and Jonah fled the responsibity he was chosen for.

"They came around. They accepted in the end.

"Granted in once case it took a storm and a really big fish . . . "

Castiel smiles a little wryly.

"Alas, whales are not in abundance as they once were."

He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

"I hope that you are correct, in that he will 'come around.' Sooner rather than later. Until he learns to accept, he is going to prove very difficult."

And they don't have time for a long adjustment period.

"Well, easy probably isn't the point there, either.

"Maybe . . . maybe it's as important for you to have faith in him as the other way around."

Meg smiles and shrugs.

"Or maybe he's just a stubborn S.O.B."

"I do. God would not have chosen him without reason. Just as He has a reason for choosing all of us for our work."

"And I imagine that the stubbornness will prove to be an asset in the fight to come."

Castiel just wishes less of it was aimed his way at times.

"So, basically, you just needed to vent?" Meg asks, with a not quite straight face.

Castiel looks mildly taken aback.

Maybe more than mildly.

"I...."

There is a long pause.

"Perhaps I did."

He has deliberately not voiced any of his frustrations to his brothers and sisters. Many of them are skeptical enough about Dean Winchester's abilities as it is.

"And to gain perspective," he adds.

If one is going to complain, it is best to have a purpose.

"Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes . . . sometimes it's the best thing to do. Say it all, get it out of your system, and move on to . . . dealing.

"Perspective is a good thing to have."

"It is not a practice I'm accustomed to."

There may have been points in the past where he might have needed to. But actually doing it had not really occurred to him.

Clearly, they are living in trying times.

"Well, from what I gather, this is not exactly a time like those you're accustomed to.

"I hope it will have been helpful, in your dealings with this difficult but capable person."

"No. It is most definitely not."

Castiel idly wonders if he will have to start venting regularly before all is said and done.

He's not sure if it's a habit he especially wants to cultivate. But he cannot deny that it has helped. He feels a bit easier about the situation.

"Do you often find yourself dealing with people like this? Difficult but capable?"

"Yes. Especially out here. People don't always join this sort of organization . . . well, I doubt anyone quite knows what they're getting into. And they're very capable doctors, but things are very different here than in the sorts of places most of us grew up. And that can take some . . . adjustment.

"Not everyone is good at adjusting."

Castiel nods slowly.

"Are you difficult?" he asks after a moment.

He would not call Meg difficult. But he is not human. It is hard for him to see things as they see things.

Meg's smile is wry.

"Some people would say so."

Castiel thinks on this.

"Being difficult can be an asset."

"Well, things that can be interpreted as being difficult, like being principled, can be an asset."

"I will be patient with the difficulties."

It may very well be the thing that helps Dean Winchester win this war. Just as it helps Meg serve those in need here.

"That may be all you can do."

Meg smiles.

"And you know, you're always welcome, if you're in the neighborhood. And you need to vent."

Castiel smiles slightly.

"I will come back," he promises.

He must admit that he feels better. Calmer. A bit more centered.

And it will be good to keep an eye on Meg.

"I will even attempt not to 'sneak up' next time, if you wish."

"Just don't do it if I'm with a patient," Meg says.

Having her hands slip then would be bad. Then again, she's hard to startle in those situations.

"I'll look forward to it."

"I promise. Though I would be interested to see where you work."

But no unexpected appearances.

"I will look forward to it as well."

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noteful - 2009-04-04 04:21 (UTC) - Expand

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